Getting the Love You Want

Cincinnati marriage and family therapy by Tony Fryer

Isn’t this what most humans need? Why is it so elusive, and what can we do to be more successful in achieving the love we want?

In this past week I have been struck by the strong desire that we have to really connect, to love and be loved. I hear and see clients struggling to understand why their lovers just don’t seem to ‘get it’. That love relationship carries so many strong expectations and when they are not met, or are violated, the resulting emotions can be immense.

Most of the people I work with are ‘normal’ and good. Maybe these are the types who seek out counseling and are prepared to do the work necessary to try bring about change. These are the people I am reflecting on and about. They want the relationship to work and are frustrated that it is not providing the love they need. There are no easy answers, although some ‘Doctors’ in our media try to tell us there are. The love relationship is complex and needs continual work if it is to stay alive and grow healthier. I would just like to make a couple of observations from the week past that might help you to think some more and get more of what you want:

  • Be true with what you feel and careful about how you word it. Try removing blame.
  • Prioritize your marriage and don’t allow your other relationships to take precedence.
  • Realize that you brought perceptions from your Family of Origin that you will judge your partner with. So your perception, of him/her, is not the absolute truth.
  • You need to learn a new way to make your needs known if you have not been successful in getting them met.
  • Being ‘too kind’ can often lead to problems in your relationship.
  • If you don’t look after your feelings, in relationship, they will often motivate you to do things that are not for the good of you or the relationship.
  • What is reality/the truth?? Don’t be so sure that it is what you think. There are many ways to get a more objective view and one way is going to see a good Marriage and Family Therapist.
  • Read my other reflections and learn more about me at

Tony Fryer